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Project Shmoggleberry

by Vicky Chapman, NSW, Australia


Whilst finally cleaning out the litterbox (I have been very slack this past fortnight) I found this note, with the following words written at the bottom "Resignation rejected. Continue to observe and report back. More research needs to be done to rid the world of the most vile of creatures. Your field work is critical to this end. Extra danger money and a merit of Bravery will be forwarded to you once you complete this assignment". Seems Shmoggleberry doesn't like the latest addition to the family.

Project Shmoggleberry

Dear Sir,

I wish to advise you that I wish to tender my immediate resignation from Project Shmoggleberry. I would appreciate it if you grant me this resignation as soon as possible. The situation has become far too extreme, and although I have excelled in Project Shmoggleberry for approximately eight years, and have put up with many an adverse condition, the current climate is too much for anyone to bear. Thankyou for your consideration. My last report is below.

After the last report, the female of the house has smelt more strongly of mating hormones than ever before. There has been some mention of "baby" <human kitten> between the male and the female, although the male still looks less than keen. I can only assume the female is about to come on her first heat. It strange to think that the male isn't affected by the female human's scent, perhaps he can't smell. Other visual clues have been present that she is ready for her first litter. Much to my distaste, she has been cuddling and crooning at me more often. Even biting her hard enough to cause blood has not seemed to discourage her for long. Am I to become a substitute for a kitten? Oh, perish the thought.

After yet another discussion about "baby", they went out for a long time, leaving me alone to reconnoitre the internal teritory. I wish they could understand the need for me to check the outside as well - they are too stupid to realise there may be aliens outside I could do something about. Nothing much has changed since the last report, including the state of the litterbox. I have attempted to redress this situation with both the male and the female, but they seem unnaturally deaf and mute when I do. The conditions one must work in when out in the field! What I would do for a proper toilet and someone to bathe me properly.

After their absence, they returned home with the most disgusting scent over the both of them, the male one being especially pongy. I recognised the smell of that most vulgar of creatures "dog". What on earth had they been doing? The smell was almost too much to bear, and they even had the audacity to think I would want to sit on them and contaminate my fur with the noxious odour. The could at least have the decency to wash first. I had to put up with that horrible stench for another 4 days before they finally did the laundry. Have I noted that their outer fur is entirely removable for washing, and that they place it into a big mechanical tongue/mouth to do so? I'd like to see the cat that that machine was modelled on! I do feel sorry for the humans though, they can't wash without help, and they often have no sense of dignity whatsoever.

But I coped, as I have always done. Field officers are trained to cope with anything, or so they say. I have been moved from territory to territory, teased, force fed disgusting slop, ignored, yelled at, squirted with water, forced to do my toiletries in a box, and have even had to bathe myself. But I have collected valuable data on humans, particularly the strange relationships this female has with males of her species. At least this male is tolerable compared to the last, although none of them ever realise that they are the objects of intense scrutiny. Indeed, I think that the ruse has worked well, and that human society generally believes that we are merely pets. Those grandiose scientist that set up this scheme way back then were brilliant, and these humans so stupid and clumsy, I think that we will continue our observations without the humans suspecting a thing for a very long time to come.

More talk of "baby" has gone on all week. Do these people ever think of anything interesting? However, on Thursday afternoon, when the female was away on her regular schedule, the male presented me with the source of that horrible stench. Perhaps the human male meant it as a sacrifice, for me to extinguish quickly as he was incapable of doing it himself. Apparently not, however, because as I went to kill the horrible creature, the male kicked me away and drenched me yet again with that horrid fur-messing liquid. After a few swipes, however, the "puppy", and even more idiotic form of "dog" seems to have figured out that I am indeed the superior species, and bows to me when I'm close. It even adds a bit of simpering and whining on occasion, which I am due, of course. At least the "puppy" is aware of the proper order of the universe.

What amazes me, however, is the way that the female in particular, but both on occasions, croon and comfort the "puppy". It is a little less than my size, yet the continually pick it up and hug the creature, oblivious to its stench. It drools, and covers them with disgusting slobber, and yet they seems to relish in it. It makes my stomach turn just watching them interact. They seem to ignore me entirely, except of course to shout rude things at me when the interloper stupidly tries to get too close to me. naturally, I can defend myself as well as any field officer with as much training as myself, and yet they yell at me like I am about to do something wrong. Nothing wrong with removing the most vile and disgusting creature from the universe in my eyes.

Other things of note. The creature is fed at least three meals a day, whilst I have to beg for a mere two. I have stolen some of the "dog food" and have found it far more delicious than the slop and gruel I am forced to consume. When will the travesty end? Whilst I am forced to do my toiletries in a box, the "puppy" appears to be permitted to go where it chooses. It has no discretion whatsoever and even goes so far as to soil its own feet. Is it yelled out, squirted at and put into solitary? No, and this is where I draw the line. My territory, painstakingly marked and catalogued for 8 years has now been contaminated by not just the smell of "puppy" that it exudes from its crude, rough pelt, it has also been stained with its urine and faeces. No matter what I do, I cannot clean the smell out of my fur, or keep the area catalogued correctly. I believe it is beyond my original scope to put up with such wretched conditions. The workplace conditions here are just too much for any reasonable Superior Species to bear. No such conditions were even hinted at in the Field Guide, the Survival Manual, or indeed, in Basic Training. I am certain that this condition breaches my contract of employment, and I request an upload to the mothership immediately. The Union will be certain to hear about this.


(aka "Shmoggleberry")


Editor's note:

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