Cast of characters:
Mommy walks towards dresser. Sammy, lying in wait, stalking the fleet gazelle, leaps out from under the bed after her prey and attaches herself to Mommy's right ankle.
Mommy stops in mid-step in order to keep from slinging Sammy across the room and hops around on one foot for a few minutes while Sammy nibbles on Mommy's ankle.
Mommy detaches Sammy from her ankle and gently places Sammy on the bedroom floor.
Mommy detours from dresser to bedside table, sits on bed and dabs at bloody ankle with tissue and sighs.
Mommy rises and heads back towards dresser. Sammy, lying in wait, stalking the fleet gazelle, leaps out from under the bed after her prey and tries to attach herself to Mommy's ankle. However, Mommy is onto Sammy now and sidesteps. Sammy misses Mommy's ankle and runs head first into dresser.
Mommy picks up Sammy and kisses the boo-boo on Sammy's head then gently places Sammy on the bedroom floor - all the while chuckling evilly at having out-witted a wayward kitten (oh the depths to which we can sink!).
Mommy opens dresser drawer to remove a fresh pair of undies.
Sammy jumps up into dresser drawer and starts rampaging through all the neatly folded lingerie. Mommy disentangles Sammy from her undies and gently places Sammy on bedroom floor, then patiently re-folds lingerie.
[In deference to my tired fingers and to keep the length of this note reasonable, please just re-read the above paragraph about 5 or 6 times until we get to the next act.] Mommy finally manages to extract a pair of undies from the dresser drawer and close it before Sammy can rampage again.
Mommy bends over to slip on undies and thus Sammy realizes her prey is tiring and it is time to strike again. Sammy jumps up and attaches herself to Mommy's scalp.
Mommy disentangles Sammy from her hair and gently places Sammy on the bedroom floor.
In a rush to staunch the flow of blood from her scalp (head wounds bleed freely), Mommy starts to walk towards bedside table for a tissue, forgets that undies are still around ankles, trips on undies, and falls headlong to bedroom floor.
Having finally brought down her prey, Sammy leaps on the back of Mommy's neck in order to make her kill.
Mommy removes Sammy from the back of her neck and gently places Sammy on the bedroom floor.
Mommy rises, pulls up undies, and heads for the bedside table. Mommy sits on the bed, dabs at bloody scalp and neck with a tissue, and sighs.
Mommy heads back to the dresser and opens a drawer to get a bra.
Sammy, having learned her lesson, is not lying in wait for her prey under the bed, she is lying in wait for her prey under the dresser.
As her prey draws closer her tail starts to twitch with excitement.
As the perfect moment to strike arrives Sammy leaps out and attaches herself to Mommy's left ankle.
In pain and shock, Mommy lifts up left leg in order to grab Sammy, but said leg is too close to dresser and left knee smashes into underside of open dresser drawer. Saying very bad words, Mommy swiftly leans over to grab Sammy and in her anger miscalculates and smashes her head on top of dresser.
Instead of kissing Mommy's boo-boos Sammy chuckles evilly (OK she gave a high-pitched mewl, but it sounded like evil chuckling) and continues to nibble on Mommy's left ankle.
Mommy finally manages to detach Sammy from her ankle and firmly places Sammy on the bedroom floor.
Mommy heads back to the bedside table, sits on the bed, dabs at bloody ankle with a tissue, and sighs.
Meanwhile, Sammy has jumped up into Mommy's bra drawer and is in the midst of killing 3 of Mommy's best lace bras.
Mommy heads back to the dresser, dons a torn bra (there is a bit of nipple showing, but the others are in worse shape), and sighs.
Mommy, now onto Sammy's drawer antics, opens her pantyhose draw just enough to slip her hand in and quickly extract a pair of pantyhose. In her haste to close the drawer before Sammy can jump in, she slams the drawer shut on the tips of her fingers. Sammy looks up at Mommy and smiles evilly.
Mommy yanks the pantyhose lose from the drawer and heads towards the bedroom chair in order to don them. Sammy, seeing a sinuous beige snake hanging from Mommy's hand decides to steal Mommy's kill for herself. Sammy leaps up and sinks all four sets of claws and her teeth into the snake and swings back and forth hoping her great weight will pull the snake from Mommy's hands.
Mommy, finally understanding the futility of trying to don pantyhose in front of Sammy, puts Sammy in adjacent bathroom and shuts the door.
Sammy starts to howl pitifully at the top of her lungs and DH peeks his head out from under the covers to yell, "For gawd's sake, let that cat out of the bathroom before she wakes the whole block!"
Mommy dons a fresh pair of pantyhose and sighs.
Mommy lets Sammy out of the bathroom and starts to walk back towards the dresser for a slip. Sammy, enraged at being denied her prey, rushes headlong toward the retreating Mommy and launches herself at the back of Mommy's legs.
Pantyhose rip along with a good bit of skin and Mommy shrieks in pain.
DH peeks his head out from under the covers to yell, "For gawd's sake." Mommy picks up a slipper and throws it at DH's head. Sammy sees the colorful bird flying across the bedroom and promptly leaps in pursuit. The slipper lands next to DH's head, but Sammy lands ON DH's head. DH shrieks in pain. Mommy smiles evilly.
DH brings Sammy into the bathroom with him in his search for tincture of iodine and bandages. Mommy sits on bed, dabs at bloody calves, and sighs.
Mommy dons a new pair of pantyhose and her slip while Sammy is preoccupied with trying to grab a band-aid from DH's hand before he can apply it to his forehead.
As Mommy heads for the closet to pick out a suit for the day, DH exits the bathroom and Sammy streaks across the bedroom floor heading for her escaping prey. Mommy puts on a burst of speed and manages to get into the closet and close the door before Sammy can get to her.
However, Mommy hears a small thump and knows that Sammy has run head first into the closet door. Mommy has a soft heart so she opens the door, picks Sammy up, and kisses the boo-boo on Sammy's head. Them Mommy gently places Sammy on the closet floor.
Sammy immediately heads for the pile of shoes on the closet floor, there to conceal herself from her prey. Her little eyes are open as big as they can get and her neck is craning as she peers over the pile of shoes and stalks her prey – tail twitching in anticipation.
Mommy starts looking through the racks of clothes to find an appropriate suit to wear (the big boss is coming in from Los Angeles today and she must look her very best).
Sammy sees the swaying clothes and thinks what a fun game it would be to swing from them as Mommy pushes them back and forth. It has to be just fate and not the evilness of one tiny kitten that makes Sammy choose Mommy's best suit to jump onto. Mommy sighs as she hears the ripping cloth.
Mommy disentangles Sammy from her (formally) best suit and firmly places her on the closet floor.
Sammy again heads for the pile of shoes on the closet floor, there to conceal herself from her prey. Her little eyes are open as big as they can get and her neck is craning as she peers over the pile of shoes and stalks her prey – tail twitching in anticipation.
Mommy dons her second best suit as she warily keeps an eye on Sammy. Thankfully, the only thing left for Mommy to do is find a pair of shoes to wear.
Mommy picks up her favorite pair of shoes and notices hundreds of tiny teeth marks in the fine, soft leather and sighs.
Mommy picks up her next favorite pair of shoes and notices hundreds of tiny teeth marks in the fine soft leather and sighs.
Since her prey is so distracted by her browsing, Sammy decides that this is the perfect time to strike. The next time Mommy leans over to pick up a pair of tooth-marked shoes Sammy leaps on the softly rounded rump of the beast (the tastiest part of the prey) and attempts to take a large mouthful of the succulent meat.
Mommy jerks upright and slams her head on the overhead shelf – at the same time she feels Sammy's claws sliding down her posterior and hears cloth ripping. This time Mommy lets out a primal scream of rage and damn the neighbors! DH does not peek out from under the covers, but wisely stays silent and unobtrusive.
Sammy, hearing the death screams of her prey, is greatly encourages and attaches herself to Mommy's left ankle again in the hope of bringing down her prey. Mommy hobbles across to the bed with Sammy still attached to her ankle. DH scrunches even further under the covers. Mommy lifts her leg onto the bed and says, "GET. THIS. LITTLE. BITCH. OFF. OF. ME. BEFORE. I. DROP. KICK. HER. ACROSS. THE. ROOM!!!!!!!"
DH cautiously peeks out from under the covers and removes Sammy from Mommy's ankle and takes her under the covers with him.
Mommy can't sit on the bed because of her bloody posterior so she stands next to the bed, dabs at her bloody ankle and posterior with a tissue, and sighs.
Mommy sees struggling under the covers and knows that DH can't keep Sammy contained for very much longer, so Mommy scurries back to the closet.
Mommy dons her third best suit, puts on the pair of shoes with the least number of tiny teeth marks (even though they don't match her suit – at this point she is desperate to just get out of the door), and runs across to the bathroom to put on her make-up.