Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".
The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
See what our expert says on Page 3.
"Of course all of this talk about life on other planets is just plain daft. Everyone knows that the chances of silicon atoms coming together in exactly the right patterns to form life are so slight that it is obvious to anyone with a ha'porth of sense that this is the only planet in the universe with any life at all. Some crazy so-and-sos have even suggested that life could be formed from carbon ... I suppose they'll be telling us next that living things could just extract carbon from the atmosphere! What would they use for energy ... bloody sunlight?
"Now I come to the idiotic suggestions that there might be life on the Blue Planet ... named after some ancient god of war, because of it looks a bit like to the colour of blood. Pathetic! It's so hot there that anything living would be boiled alive ... there are oceans of molten ice, for pity's sake! And as if that weren't enough, the atmospheric pressure is a hundred times higher than we could stand ... and a fifth of it is made up of the second most corrosive element in the universe! And as for the tracks which some people claim to have seen through their telescopes ... "roads", they call them, believing that these non-existent inhabitants use them to travel in little self-powered vehicles ... don't these cretins realise that this is just a corruption of "rods", the name for a completely natural straight line rock formation?
"No, I can say without any shadow of a doubt that all these lunatic ideas, like the idea that we might one day travel in space, are utter bilge."
See the lead story on the front page.